A Mother's Choice

Starting over...

2011-10-16T19:56:00.001-06:00

This is what we had to tell our three children when we miscarried. "Our baby didn't grow right, mommy has to start over"

Well, I am happy to say that the start over process has begun. I am 7 weeks today. I have felt very different this time around vs last time. I feel sick and my boobs hurt. I am tired, tired enough to fall asleep on the couch before brushing my teeth WHICH I HATE DOING! I am usually a night owl too, so for me to be falling asleep around 10pm is very odd.

We are happy, and excited. First prenatal should be in a few short weeks.

My Own Miscarriage Story {it is in detail, you have been warned}

2011-04-19T19:13:00.001-06:00

I was planning for my fourth baby. After a 2 1/2 year wait, which is long for me, we decided it was time. I got pregnant right away and had all the normal signs of pregnancy. But something wasn't quite right, I was hesitant to tell people I was pregnant, and when I finally did start telling people it felt weird and unnatural.

Saturday April 9th
early afternoon I started spotting. It was pink no red, no brown. I called my midwife and we talked about what it could be from. We talked about the possibility of it being from a placenta previa, or from the cervix becoming irritated, or maybe I had done some sort of heavy lifting that caused too much stress on my uterus. I was advised to rest for the next couple of days and monitor the bleeding and if it changes. Most all miscarriages start out with brown spotting. By Saturday night it had turned to a very light brown.
Sunday April 10th
I continued to bleed a little, not much at all, and not even enough to need a pantyliner, and it was never red, until I had a bowel movement and an hour later there was streaks of red in the discharge. Once again I talked with my midwife and gave her an update. She said if I wanted peace of mind I could consider going in for an ultrasound, but she worries about the effects ultrasounds have on a newly growing fetus, so in the meantime she put me on a few herbs that would help in healing my body if the bleeding was do to stress or strain.
Monday April 11th
I was making myself go crazy! From the moment I saw the 2 pink lines on my pregnancy test indicating that I would be having another baby I would worry EVERY TIME I'd go to the bathroom that I'd wipe and there would be blood on the toilet paper, and now that this was happening to me I couldn't turn my mind off about all my worries. I talked to my sister about my concerns and she said if she were in my position she'd spend the money and have an ultrasound.

So at about 2pm I met my husband at the urgent care center in Bountiful. I had no idea that that urgent care center didn't have access to an ultrasound machine. They still checked my blood pressure to see if I was doing ok and it was unusually high, like 153/89 high. My blood pressure during pregnancy usually sits around 105/70. So they sent me to the ER at LDS hospital in Salt Lake. We got there around 3:30pm after picking up our oldest from school. I waited about 5 minutes before I was taken to an exam room. They drew my blood, and checked my blood pressure again which was much better at 110/79.
After they did they're initial evaluation and asked me a few questions I sat in a cold exam room for about an hour before a nurse came and took me to imaging.
She was very personable and we talked about a few things including her perfume, (it was the same kind my sister in law wears) but the moment I asked her to tell me what SHE saw she got quiet and would not look me in the eye. She did a full ultrasound and then did a vaginal ultrasound as well that I would have refused had I not already seen what she had seen. I can read an ultrasound people.
After the ultrasound I went back to my cold exam room for another hour and a half when finally a nurse came in and started telling me all the things to watch for with this miscarriage and to not wear tampons only pads, etc... then she asked "has the doctor been in to see you since your ultrasound?" I said "no he has not" then she said "oh" and left the room. The Doc came in about 10 minutes later and gave me the ultrasound results which wasn't news to me. This is what he said and did (no exaggeration in this at all) "well, it's not good news..." he looked around the room a bit and said, "your baby has died" and then he handed me this paper from the radiologist and left the room...

If you know me at all you'd understand why I say I HATE being in the hospital. I get nervous and I can't talk to the Doctors and nurses very well. But this time around I was calm and I was expecting the bad news and took it like a champ. I even had 2 nurses ask me if I was a nurse because of the kind of questions I was asking them.
After the Doc left, I spent another hour or more before a nurse came in again and said that the Doctor wanted/needed to do a pelvic exam. I said "ok". Then I started asking her questions like why he needed to do one and how is it going to benefit me? I asked if I could put the speculum in myself... she asked if I was a nurse, I said "no", then she said "I highly doubt he'd let you". After she left I decided that a pelvic exam wasn't necessary and it wasn't going to help me complete my miscarriage. Going home, being in my own bathroom, and having my mom talk me through it was all I needed. I went out into the hall to find the nurse, all while holding my hospital gown shut, and found my doc instead. I told him I didn't want the pelvic exam, he lead me back into my room and I explained that if I feel like things don't pick up I can have my mom do a pelvic for me. He got wide eyed and said "I highly recommend that my patients don't get medical care from their own family members" I rebutted with "She delivered all 3 of my babies and did my first pap spear, I think I'm pretty comfortable with her doing a pelvic exam for me". He said "ok" and left the room...again. I then waited for another hour and was finally discharged.
This whole time I was away from my husband and kids who spent 5 hours in the waiting room while I spent the same 5 hours mostly by myself in the exam room. My poor husband and kids were worried and hungry and very tired of waiting. I went out to them and as soon as Mike's arms were around me that is when I broke down and cried uncontrollably into his shoulder. My support system was finally with me and I could show my true feelings for the loss. It took a full 24 hours to let it all sink in and then all I could think about was "WELL LETS GET THIS OVER WITH ALREADY!"

Tuesday April 12th
I had 2 angels take my girls for the day from 10:30am to 7:30pm and Hyrum was at school from 8:30am to 4pm. I called a few family members and told them about losing the pregnancy. I rested.
Hardly any bleeding still not enough to wear a pantyliner.

Wednesday April 13
Was a blur
I did a lot of dishes and laundry
Friend brought us dinner
not much change in my bleeding.

Thursday April 14th
Called my mom and asked her if it was ok to be happy...
I taught a Photography class
My cousin brought us dinner
My Aunts and Grandma came and brought me treats of comfort
bleeding was a little lighter then the days before.

Friday April 15th
I did my weekly grocery shopping. I went to lunch with my family. We cleaned out our van.
I had more bleeding then the previous days, and only needed a pantyliner.

Saturday April 16th
Cleaned the house some more to prepare for Sunday
no change in my bleeding

Sunday April 17th
During church I felt light headed and sick to my stomach, and went home. I called my midwife and was put on a low carb diet for the next few days until the miscarriage is complete.
Bleeding picked up a little, but not much

Monday April 18th
Normal day. I was feeling good, much better then the day before. I cleaned the house some more and about 10min. to 6pm I started cramping. I had dinner with my family, we had family home evening, and Mike and I got the kids ready for bed all while I was contracting.
By 7:30pm they had picked up enough that I was passing clots about every 15-20 minutes. I tried to take my mind off of the pain (for this was true pain) by watching a show on my computer, it didn't help much. I put a bag over the toilet seat to catch everything I passed so I could check it . I went on like this for a few hours, and every 20-30 minutes I'd be in the bathroom again. Around 9pm I started to have really bad back pain with every contraction, and at about 10pm I was getting really tired. I had been texting back and forth with my mom this whole time so when I became really tired I texted her about it and she said "Oh good, that means you're almost done" and in my mind I read, oh good you're in transition.

Holy crap, when will this be over!?

Then at about 10:30pm I felt like the contractions were slowing and not coming so frequent, but they were still super strong. I've had 3 natural home births and these miscarriage contractions where 100 time worse then any of my labor contractions. I never cried during labor for my 3 kids, but for the last 45 minutes of this miscarriage my eyes would water profusely with each contraction and I'd beg for it to be over. I then had to go to the bathroom and this time I only had a little blood and 3 very small clots (pea size clots). I started to get discouraged thinking that it was going to slow down now and take longer, so I went and sat on my bed next to Mike. Then I had one more really strong contraction and had the urge to go to the bathroom again. When I sat down I had another couple small clots and so I pushed a tiny little push and the main event finally came out. I then realized that checking every clot that I passed was the dumbest waist of time, this was obviously what I had been waiting/looking for. I had Mike get some paper towels and some tin foil for me and I pulled it out of the bag and did a thorough exam.
I could see placenta!
I located a bag of water.
I texted my mom and told her that I couldn't see a baby anywhere. She said " break the bag open"
So i did... nothing. There was no baby at all. I had gotten pregnant, but had never actually started growing a baby.
It was so amazing to experience this miscarriage. My body knew just what to do and when to do it.

What kills me is that my miscarriage took double the amount of time then my last birth took from start to finish.

5 hours of miscarriage "labor" and today I can feel the effects of blood loss and fatigue, and great relief that it is over and I can now MOVE ON!

The time frame goes as follows:
Jan. 23 first day of my LMP
Feb. 20th positive pregnancy test.
April 9th first day of spotting 10 weeks 6 days
April 11th ultrasound confirmed fetal demise 11 week 1day
April 18th 5 hours of contracting ending with full miscarriage (12 weeks 1 day from LMP)

there IS a bright side to your miscarriage

2011-04-15T09:36:00.004-06:00

Our heart and our brain are two different organs. We feel sorrow and pain, love and loss from our heart during a miscarriage, but we also feel relief, understanding, and courage from our brain.

From the moment those 2 pink lines show up, you physically and mentally start planning for the arrival of a baby. You become excited for the adventure, and worried for the welfare of your child. You fantasize what your little peanut will look like, if it will be a boy or a girl, and you start to fall in love with that baby...

...and then say 11 weeks into your pregnancy you start bleeding, not a lot, but enough to scare you. You monitor the bleeding for a day or two in hopes that it was just spotting, something that is quite common for some pregnant women. You contact your care provider who calms your fears and tells you what to watch for. The bleeding continues into day 3, and you decide to go in and have an ultrasound done.
As you lay and wait for the tech to get started you hope and pray that your baby is fine, though you have a feeling that your baby stopped growing or never started growing at all, and then you find out that your bleeding IS from the miscarriage that you were soon going to be experiencing. Then you mourn for your loss, and shed a few or ocean full of tears.

can you feel happy during such a terrible loss?

I say yes!

We must remember, as women, that our body's can do the AMAZING task of growing another human being, but it can also KNOW when that little body is not growing right and decide on it's own (without your consent) that it is time to start over with a fresh slate.

I was pregnant with my fourth baby. I had never miscarried before. I was not expecting to lose this baby.
But I never felt the spirit of the baby I was growing, I felt in a sense, empty. I tried to connect with the baby, and thought that after I heard the baby's heartbeat I would not feel so distant. I know now my instincts were telling me in a subtle way that I would not go to term, and that I would need to start over.
For me I was happy that my body knew something was wrong with the baby I was trying to grow and that it decided to stop trying to fix the problem and just start over, all on it's own. I love my body and how amazing it is. I am truly happy I get to experience a miscarriage, it makes me wiser. It allows me to be a comfort to others when they have to go through it.

In my next post I will be explaining my miscarriage in full a detailed time line.

doula at work

2010-10-14T16:35:00.003-06:00

There is something so special about being present at a birth. I was so honored to attend the birth this week of sweet little Allison. Kate and Grant hired me because they were nervous about the possibility of too much intervention. They were pregnant with their second baby and didn't want drugs because of the negative reaction Kate had from her epidural during her first birthing experience.

Kate was 3 days over due and her Nurse Midwife felt it was time for her to have her baby. Kate had been contracting off and on for a couple of days but they would go away as soon as she would go to bed each night.

On Tuesday October 12th around 5pm she went to her appointment and was 5 cm and 80% effaced, with irregular contractions, soon after she was admitted to Labor and Delivery. I got to the hospital around 8pm and by then Kate was having some regular contractions if she kept moving around... so we walked. We walked the halls together for a few hours. We'd come back to Kate's room every 20 minutes or so for 15 minutes of monitoring and then we were back in the halls. She was doing great and was progressing, but not quickly. After hours of walking the halls, sitting on the birth ball, and working on pressure points we were all very tired, so at 2am we decided to try and get some sleep.

At 5am we got up and Kate was upset because her contractions had slowed to every 20+ minutes apart. Discouragement started to kick in and the 3 hours of disturbed sleep didn't help much in relief from being tired. Kate had really wanted to avoid needed Pitocin because she didn't want an epidural, and Pit causes the contractions to be unnaturally strong. But her Midwife was understanding and suggested starting off at a super low dose. Kate started the Pitocin around 6am at 4cc's an hour. She was able to have her nurse increase the amount when Kate felt like she needed it. So every so often Kate have it increased a few cc's until around 10am she was up to 20 cc's and hour. She was now having regular contractions that were bearable, and were helping her progress. At about 10:45am we talked about having her water broken, this was another intervention that she wanted to avoid, but she was ready to have her baby in her arms so she decided it was time for it. At 11:15 am, and 7cm dilated 80% effaced, her Midwife came in and broke her water. From that moment on Kate was in full blown labor, she jumped right into the transition stage of labor and was really focused on her contractions. She moved into a couple different positions to find one that was most comfortable, first on her side laying down, then sitting up, and finally she ended up on her knees hanging over her birth ball. She was checked and was still 7cm, but 100% effaced and the baby was at 0 station, she then had 1 more contraction that pushed her to 10cm. She now had lots of pressure and started pushing. She pushed only 4 times and her baby was out only 1 hour after Kate's water was broken. Kate immediately had relief written all over her face.

As they passed the baby through Kate's legs and Kate saw her for the first time she was overcome joy, the real hormone oxitocin kicked in and she immediately fell in love with her baby!

Kate and Grant welcomed a beautiful baby girl born at 12:15pm on October 13, 2010. She weighed 9 lbs 4 oz. and was 21 inches tall. Even though some intervention was needed, they got what they wanted out of the birth and that is was makes my job as a doula worth it.
The Photography for this post was taken by me, if you'd like see more pictures of the birth {click here}

2010-09-19T22:48:00.001-06:00

I Doula.

Do you want to know why?

I love that a few encouraging words can help a mom get through the toughest part of labor.
I feel a sense of accomplishment when a mom gets what she wants out of her birth.
I know that that mom will be proud of her story and want to tell it.
I hope that after all the contractions and pushing, that I was able to do my part in helping her get what she wanted.

I will be attending a birth next month for a friend of mine. I am Excited. Nervous. Anxious. Ready.

hold. your. baby.

2010-08-31T23:12:00.003-06:00

When I was pregnant with my first child my mom told me that when he was born I should hold him as often as I could. She said that when I have more children I would not be able to hold them as much I could my first. I liked this advice & I took it to heart. Hyrum stayed in my arms practically from sun up to sun down until he was about 3 months old. I even held him while he napped, and I never regretted all the time he spent in my arms.
The reason why I bring this topic up is because I have noticed ever since I received this advice that far too many people carry their babies around in their car seats. I can't understand why someone would want to add more pounds to their baby's weight? Is it really easier to have that bulky car seat around? I also wonder how is it good for a new mom who may have recently had a c/section to be carrying around extra weight other then her baby?

I thought of this topic because the other day I was at a restaurant with my family and a few tables from us was a small family, a mom, a dad, a 2 year old and a baby (probably about 5 months), the mom had just finished giving her baby a bottle and decided it was time for the baby to have a nap. She put her baby in the car seat covered the top with a blanket and let her baby cry it out. I understand fully that most parents don't want their children to rely on them to help them fall a sleep, but this I think was crossing the line...that little 5 month old baby laid in her covered car seat and cried for at least 20 minutes, and not once did I see either mom (or dad) check on her or pick her up to calm her down!!! I know that if my only way of communicating how I feel was to cry, I'd be pretty ticked off if this happened to me!
Babies need to feel safe and loved and they can not feel those things by being strapped to a plastic chair all the time. I urge you not to be afraid to hold your baby! Don't get in the mind set that that bouncer, car seat or swing is the only place for your baby, YOU are that baby's care provider, not them! Take advantage of this time you have together!
Click {here} for another reason to hold your baby.

Why I Chose to have My Babies at Home

2010-07-06T22:22:00.000-06:00

When I was very young, about 4 years old, my mom delivered my younger brother at home. She had had her first 6 children in the hospital, including me, but she felt like her hospital experiences where not enjoyable. She didn't know that there was another way to birth until she was introduced to birthing at home.
She loved her first home birth experience so much she decided to start working as an apprentice for her midwife. She worked alongside this midwife for a number of years, but never fully certified as a midwife herself until about 12 years ago. She worked hard for a whole year and became a licensed midwife and is still practicing today, delivering about 40-50 babies a year.
But after so many years of me being around expectant moms, and being able to attend a few births, I have to admit this is not why I chose home birth.
I grew up knowing the way home birth works. What made me decide on birthing my own children at home was the way the hospital works. I didn't want to have to stay in bed. I wanted to be able to eat when I was hungry. I didn't want to have needles and tubes sticking out of my body for the duration of my labors. I didn't want to have to get to know my nurses before they "got to know me", I didn't want to risk not having my care provider not able to attend the birth because He/She was "out of town". I didn't want interventions like breaking my water too early to "speed things up", having an episiotomy, vacuum or a forceps delivery, and I definitely didn't want to end up with an unnecessary C/Section.

If you know me well, you'd know that I don't like to bash on the Hospital system, for it is a great resource especially for emergencies and those who are ill.
So if you have had your babies in a hospital or plan to, just know I understand that for some the Hospital feels like the safest place to birth, but for me home is where I will birth. "pregnancy is not an illness".
I wanted to birth in my own everyday environment, with no drugs, no intervention, no strangers coming in and out, eating what I wanted, resting in my own bed, and moving to any position my body felt comfortable in. Because of this desire my births where beautiful, I was in control, I had only who I wanted there, people I knew who would be my best support team, I was able to birth in the water, and I have had 3 healthy babies that way.

I am going to use this blog now as a resource for any who want to know more about home birth. I will be posting my own birth stories in the future and any new or interesting information I come across. I may even have my own midwife post a few birth stories, and if you want to have me post yours you can email it to me and I'd be happy to share them. So lets enjoy the choices we have as mothers, and the way we want to birth.